Autism, RFK Jr, and the Lizard People

What six years in an autism research lab taught me about conspiracy theories and dangerous policy.

For six years, I worked for a lab primarily doing autism research. I was off to the side, maintaining an orthology database. After a few years, the lab started setting up public-facing websites and needed someone to do a good job with that. Having already created several websites (wrongcards being one), I became the lab's official creative director.

This was at Harvard Medical School. My contribution felt fairly negligible from my perspective, but I was often reminded that I was helping the lab secure research grants, which was important. To me, it felt like I simply made pretty websites—pleasant work, and not particularly stressful.

Still, I attended daily meetings with scientists who discussed autism constantly. My social circle consisted chiefly of scientists, software engineers, and librarians—as we were housed in the library. Living in that environment, I absorbed quite a bit about autism spectrum disorder. I gained academic knowledge and, on a personal level, I have people close to me who are on the spectrum, making it a much larger part of my life than many would realize.

Yesterday, the American health secretary—Robert F. Kennedy Jr. (RFK)—announced he was creating a registry of people with autism, using data collected from private medical sources.

I feel compelled to comment, particularly because a cursory review of anything RFK has said about autism spectrum disorder reveals he's not merely wrong about several things but willfully wrong. He hasn't just been lazy; he's exerted serious effort to remain fundamentally incorrect. One might almost be impressed by how deliriously wrong the man is—in the same way one might be impressed by a tsunami, in that brief moment before it kills you.

I won't list the various incorrect things he's said, simply because I'm not in the business of making people feel lousy. It's not merely that he doesn't know what he's talking about—and doesn't care to know—it's that he exhibits an almost sociopathic dismissiveness when discussing a vulnerable population in public.

Also—and I think this is worth mentioning—my mother has a small dog called Charlie (who is rather cute). I bring him up because I believe that little dog happens to know more about autism than RFK. Charlie's main advantage is that he doesn't know anything about autism that is "factually incorrect." In short, the sum of that little dog's knowledge is zero. RFK, meanwhile, knows only wild, homespun conspiracy theories and willful misinformation, much of which he has invented himself. If I were to assign a numerical value to RFK's knowledge, it would be prefixed with a negative symbol.

Let me illustrate: If I know 56 facts about ASD that are based in science, I would assign myself a score of 56. RFK knows 43 things, but unfortunately, all those things are lies. His score: -43. Charlie the Dog, who wisely knows nothing at all, has achieved a lifetime score of 0.

Therefore, because -43 < 0, Charlie the Dog knows more about ASD than the current health secretary of the United States. What a smart animal. You see? I'm very good at science.

The other thing about RFK is that last year during a deposition, he claimed a doctor had found a dead worm in his brain, adding, "I have cognitive problems, clearly."[1]

It's comforting to know he has said at least one thing we can all agree upon, but that single moment of brutal honesty does little to mitigate the damage caused by his becoming a professional anti-vaccine advocate. I should mention, he's not a scientist or a medical doctor; he's a lawyer.

There is no real evidence of an autism epidemic. The evidence points to simply greater public awareness. Autistic children today have a higher likelihood of diagnosis, and this is good. I have a friend who didn't receive their clinical diagnosis until their mid-forties. They spent most of their life confused and wondering why certain tasks and situations were such a struggle. People with ASD have always been among us. Our society is evolving to provide them with better care, and this is obviously a good thing.

Unfortunately, some people lack the capacity to understand or appreciate this. They say things like, "Well, people didn't have heart disease when I was young, they just dropped dead one day. And do you notice people eat less dessert nowadays? Maybe this so-called 'heart disease' epidemic is happening because people are eating less dessert?"

In the case of autism, such people blame the arrival of vaccines. This reminds me of when I was working in the lab at Harvard and received a message from some random individual accusing me and my colleagues of being part of a diabolical global conspiracy.

It was my job to respond to such messages, so I wrote about a thousand words describing my stay at the Illuminati's headquarters in Switzerland, where, I claimed, I'd spent three days partying with some really cool lizard people—"a great bunch of reptilians from the Rigel VI star system, who are conquering Earth by subterfuge at the moment. Needless to say, they're billionaires..."

I was writing my closing remarks when my boss walked over and asked what I was doing. Fool that I was, I told him and... well, he was a bit of a buzzkill about the matter, if you want my opinion. I wasn't allowed to respond to emails from the public after that. Or, as I tell people, my mission for the lizard people has remained a closely-protected secret ever since.

In retrospect, this might all sound slightly unprofessional. But in my defense, at least I wore shoes to work. Some of my colleagues did not. My friend Byron used to participate in bike races around the third floor of the Countway Library after hours. During staff meetings, we would ask the acting library director if we might host cage fights every second Thursday "as a morale booster," then pretend to be surprised and disappointed when she incredulously declined.

Such are the people who work in medical research. If anyone, anywhere, tried to create a conspiracy around vaccines, we would know, and we would not cooperate. Because, fundamentally, it would be much more fun to expose them and punish them for being evil.

Speaking of which, back to Robert F. Kennedy Jr. We must ask ourselves: why is he suddenly so interested in creating a registry of people with autism? It seems odd, considering he believes autism can be successfully "cured" by something called "re-parenting."

If that claim were true in any way, certain people whom I personally know and worked with would have published on it by now. They'd have received a Nobel Prize for their efforts, and I'd have written a hilarious book talking about my place in history. The sixth chapter would be devoted to Byron racing his bike around the third floor of the Countway Medical Library. Because that's how reality actually works.

Meanwhile, the facts are these:

RFK believes that people with autism can be "cured" if forced to do unpaid manual labor on what he calls "wellness farms."[2]

Ominously, RFK announced yesterday that he is setting up a registry for people with autism.[3] You know, using Americans private health records.

I thought about this, and my best guess is not a comfortable one. It relates to the number of undocumented agricultural workers within the United States.

Do you know what proportion of hired crop workers in the United States are undocumented migrants? It's 42%.[4]

Do you think it's possible that people in the administration anticipate that a sizable number of undocumented migrants won't show up to work this year, fearing ICE agents? And that as a consequence of these well-publicized ICE raids, the United States may face severe labor shortages in the agricultural sector?

Do you think... do you think it's possible that RFK, a simpleton with self-confessed cognitive impairment, may have conceived of a solution to labor shortages? I know it seems a stretch, but maybe the thought occurred to him when he was typing questions into ChatGPT, like "how to build gulags?"

Is it possible that RFK has conceived of a way to "cure autism in America" and "make sure that American agriculture doesn't grind to a halt"?

I don't know. I'm not saying any of this is the case. I'm simply remarking that most conspiracy theories are childish at best. The one I've just proposed is a lot more colorful. Just don't blame me if it's utter nonsense. I'm only writing down what the lizard people tell me.

With chaste affection,

Kris St.Gabriel